Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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