Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
