Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
