And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
