He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
