Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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