If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
