I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
