Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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