your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
