I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
