How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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