just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
