Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
