My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
