i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
