Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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