i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
