You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
it glows. i had to have it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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