Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
