Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
