Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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