Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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