I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I smell stomach acid.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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