Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
