Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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