i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
dude. I can hear the air.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
