What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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