I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
