I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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