Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
