you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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