So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
