I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I need water and some morals
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
