So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
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