How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
