Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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