the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
