i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
