If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
