Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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