Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
