I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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