I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
