when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
