your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
