i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
