That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
