every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
