Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
